He's Got Bette Davis Eyes

My husband and I are into role playing these days...

Baby Dolls and Birdseed Boobs

Any girl who has ever hissed: I'd rather be flat than fat has boob envy. End of story. Myself, included. But even when we say awful things like that, we too think we'll be blessed with boobs eventually. 

My elementary school years were full of developments. We moved, my dad got married, and I got a baby brother. Everything was changing, except my body. I had to beg my mom for a training bra. But, Honey, you don't really need one. Yes, but the other girls in my grade did, and I wasn't going to be odd one out. I was odd enough without being the weirdo who didn't wear a bra. I remember finding bird-seed filled organza bags leftover from my stepmom and dad's wedding. I'd sneak them into my training bra. Birdseed boobs were better than no boobs.

My mother loves bragging about how traumatic it was to be busty in middle school. But it wasn't any easier for 'mosquito bites.' Ever hear: She's flat as a board and easy to nail? Who says that to an eleven year-old? Kids can be such assholes.

Still, I trusted I'd develop eventually. I signed up for my Freshman classes and thought, My time has come! Any day now! But not much happened. Years later, with Junior Prom on the horizon, I had to get pro-active: I was determined to eat my way to Cleavage Land. All I got out of that experiment was a Personal Trainer gift certificate in my Christmas stocking. From my Dad.  

These days women say: Just wait til you're pregnant. They'll get huge. Yeah, along with my ass. Isn't that something to look forward to.

The big boob news today is the new European baby doll out on the American market: The Breast Milk Baby. Little girls can experience breastfeeding for themselves. Disgusting! Can't we save some things for adulthood? It's so creepy. Might as well create a Kiddie PapSmear Kit while we're at it. Cindy, you're gonna lay back and put your Keds in these stirrups--just like Mom. Why are Europeans always trying to make us more comfortable with au natural? Why can't they just leave us--and our body shame--alone? The video below is real! It's no joke. 

My Anne Geddes Baby

Puppies are so much better than babies...They're cuter. You can give them back.

Toe Warmers & Dr. Phil

Ellie carries things on her back or in her teeth. She’s like a mule with highlights. Her current life is contained in the red backpack she schleps from room to room while on crutches. She bought the backpack for an Everest Trek in Nepal three years ago. Her only trek these days is butt-scootching up her steep staircase.

Here’s what one would find in Ellie’s backpack...

1. Pills and TV Remote Control. Ellie caught her first episode of Dr. Phil's Housewives. She says ‘caught’ cause she feels sick now. Here’s a summary of her viewing experience.

KIMM shows up late to the housewives counseling session. She has booze on her breath, and admits to popping a xanax. DR PHIL says something like: If you’re mixing drugs and alcohol, you have a REAL PROBLEM. Ellie thinks this is a little harsh, but puts down her glass of whiskey. Kimm storms out of the room, swallows a whole bottle of Xanax (!), and says she just wants to sleep. Watch Kimm's incredible breakdown here. Ellie changes the channel as the ambulance arrives--she can’t stand commercials--but she hopes Kimm gets her sh*t together.

2. A manilla envelope full of thank you notes she hasn’t bothered putting stamps on and sending. She’s just had so many pressing matters at hand, like watching the British period dramaDownton Abbey. The circumstantial heir to Downton Abbey--Matthew Crawley--looks eerily similar to her first college boyfriend. But, then again, all TV characters are starting resemble people she knows.

3. A pack of Hotties: Adhesive Toe Warmers
There’s no need for Ellie to keep the toe warmers packet in her backpack. Ellie’s inside. In Los Angeles. She just found it in a zipper pocket from a SKI TRIP in December. She knows she should stuff it in a drawer. But, instead, she keeps the talisman as a reminder of how her orthopedic doctor is afraid she'll screw up her leg once it's healed and wants her to give up skiing expert terrain for bunny slopes. She'd throw her toe warmers packet at her doctor's head, but he’s currently on spring break skiing in Utah. True story.

4. The Hollywood Reporter. Originally saved to cut out inspirational phrases like: “About Town”, “Win Win”, and “Authentic” for a Post-Op inspiration board. Now, she just glares at the party photos of all the movie stars who “beat the odds.” Ellie beat the odds too, and won a tumor. Ha! So there.

*It should be noted that Ellie will occasionally write about herself in 3rd person. Some would say it's a way for her to emotionally distance herself from her situation. Really, it's cause she's pretentious.

You Have a Growth

An old friend sent me this. It made me laugh. See more at explodingdog.com

My (Martha Stewart) Planning Calendar

Every month Martha publishes an online planning calendar. Without it, I'd forget to clean my tea kettle. I'm sharing my recovery calendar as an homage to Martha.WEEK ONE 

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." 

-Kurt Vonnegut

Oprah and Tests from the Universe

I sweat the small stuff--no not the small stuff, the microscopic stuff-- from carcinogens in burnt toast to imaginary bed bugs in an airplane overhead compartment. But in the past year, I replaced my anti-anxiety medication with yoga because I believed it was the healthier choice. That's a lie. I dropped the Lexapro cause I heard it leads to weight gain. I took up yoga cause I look carefree and friendly with a rolled up mat under my arm. 

Oprah says that once you think you've learned a life lesson, the universe tests you to see how far you've actually come. My test began with a routine x-ray. Read below. 

My Homage to the Martha Stewart Planning Calendar

Martha Stewart has taught me that house arrest, whether it be court mandated or doctor imposed, is no excuse not to throw dinner parties or plot world domination. When the Connecticut maven was released from prison to serve the rest of her sentence at home, she told a Fox News journalist:

"The only thing I've been dreaming about is a cappuccino. We asked the guards every day ... for a cappuccino," she said. "I get here, and I have a ... cappuccino machine and it didn't work. So I don't have any cappuccino."

She has overcome such adversity. Every month Martha publishes an online planning calendar. Without it, I'd forget to organize fabric scraps. I'm sharing my calendar over the next few months as an homage to Martha.