Toe Warmers & Dr. Phil

Ellie carries things on her back or in her teeth. She’s like a mule with highlights. Her current life is contained in the red backpack she schleps from room to room while on crutches. She bought the backpack for an Everest Trek in Nepal three years ago. Her only trek these days is butt-scootching up her steep staircase.

Here’s what one would find in Ellie’s backpack...

1. Pills and TV Remote Control. Ellie caught her first episode of Dr. Phil's Housewives. She says ‘caught’ cause she feels sick now. Here’s a summary of her viewing experience.

KIMM shows up late to the housewives counseling session. She has booze on her breath, and admits to popping a xanax. DR PHIL says something like: If you’re mixing drugs and alcohol, you have a REAL PROBLEM. Ellie thinks this is a little harsh, but puts down her glass of whiskey. Kimm storms out of the room, swallows a whole bottle of Xanax (!), and says she just wants to sleep. Watch Kimm's incredible breakdown here. Ellie changes the channel as the ambulance arrives--she can’t stand commercials--but she hopes Kimm gets her sh*t together.

2. A manilla envelope full of thank you notes she hasn’t bothered putting stamps on and sending. She’s just had so many pressing matters at hand, like watching the British period dramaDownton Abbey. The circumstantial heir to Downton Abbey--Matthew Crawley--looks eerily similar to her first college boyfriend. But, then again, all TV characters are starting resemble people she knows.

3. A pack of Hotties: Adhesive Toe Warmers
There’s no need for Ellie to keep the toe warmers packet in her backpack. Ellie’s inside. In Los Angeles. She just found it in a zipper pocket from a SKI TRIP in December. She knows she should stuff it in a drawer. But, instead, she keeps the talisman as a reminder of how her orthopedic doctor is afraid she'll screw up her leg once it's healed and wants her to give up skiing expert terrain for bunny slopes. She'd throw her toe warmers packet at her doctor's head, but he’s currently on spring break skiing in Utah. True story.

4. The Hollywood Reporter. Originally saved to cut out inspirational phrases like: “About Town”, “Win Win”, and “Authentic” for a Post-Op inspiration board. Now, she just glares at the party photos of all the movie stars who “beat the odds.” Ellie beat the odds too, and won a tumor. Ha! So there.

*It should be noted that Ellie will occasionally write about herself in 3rd person. Some would say it's a way for her to emotionally distance herself from her situation. Really, it's cause she's pretentious.